Sometimes it seems I am destined to suffer one relationship disaster after another here in Costa Rica. I guess I could just chalk it up to “cultural differences,” but that would be a cop-out. Sure there are a myriad of such differences, but in reality those can and should make the relationship richer and add to it, rather than subtract from it. No, I believe the problem is me. After an 18-year marriage failed and then a serious relationship with a tica that also blew up, I am just scared silly of commitment. And Latin ladies, just like all others, like a man who commits fully to the relationship. This morning this post is going to be a bit of “personal therapy” for me, so bear with me. Any one out there who has lived here for any length of time (and is from the U.S., or a “gringo”) will readily attest that often we are looked at as “marks” with great big green dollar signs on our foreheads. Sometimes the line between a real relationship and just being used gets very blurry. About three years ago, I suffered a horrible breakup with a Costa Rican girl of what I thought was a serious relationship and I am still shaking my head wondering what that was all about. Was she just “after my money” (as if I actually had any), or did she really care? I have to confess that at this point I just don’t know. After time this can create a real fear of commitment in us expats who are here and single and desirous of a true loving relationship. However, going on two years ago I did find a marvelous lady and my fear of commitment is threatening to destroy what could be the ultimate relationship. Fear is a learned response. We learn as a child not to touch things that are hot or we will get burned. We learn to fear the heat. But we also learn unhealthy fears. Fear of things that “go bump in the dark,” when in reality there is nothing there at all. I once heard someone say that the word fear (F-E-A-R) stands for False Evidence that Appears Real. Having suffered being used more times than I want to acknowledge here in Costa Rica, I have learned to fear any perception that leads me to believe that I might be vulnerable. It kind of makes “opening up” a wee bit difficult. So what’s a gringo to do in a case like this? I believe a debilitating fear must be acknowledged (hence this post), evaluated and then to the extent it is interfering with true growth, overcome. The evaluation comes in recognizing the degree to which the fear is justified, or not, in any given situation. The error we tend to make is to “generalize” our fears and ignore the evidence at hand. With respect to my problem with commitment to this particular relationship, the question comes down to evaluating whether the person truly loves me, or is after something else. Yes it does happen that Latin ladies in Costa Rica will sometimes feign love when the true objective might be economic security. But when you have been in a relationship for two years with a lady with two kids, a business and who has never asked you for a thing, maintaining that fear begins to cross the line from healthy skepticism to down-right phobia. Great, the fear has been evaluated and the evidence shows that it is indeed false. I’m making real progress here.  So what to do now? Overcome it by confrontation. It is like if you have a fear of snakes. What is the best thing to do?  Wrap one around you and get up close and personal with your fear. In this case, I believe the confrontation is in the commitment. To confront this fear I have to step out on that shaky limb (or one that is perceived as shaky) and make a commitment. Isn’t that what relationship is all about anyway? I believe my fear of doing just what I need to do is what is causing the problem this time around. In short, it is time to make a commitment to this person. It is time to stop considering solely what I need and begin to consider what it is she needs from me, emotionally, financially, and in every other way. That is the essence of commitment. The “I’m just not ready” excuse can only carry you so far in a relationship. Sooner or later you have to be ready, or say goodbye to the relationship. So how can I convince her that I am indeed ready, willing and able to commit?  Well, actions speak louder than words, and that is especially true to a Latin person. Latin people are the ultimate Missourians, a true “show-me” culture. If you want them to believe you, you have to show them you mean business. If you are a gringo out there having this same problem and it is interfering with your ability to develop true relationships here, I am with you. But relationships make life richer wherever you are and Costa Rica is no exception. So I encourage you to use my example in confronting your own fear. Don’t commit lightly, but when the time is right, just do it. Costa Rica will seem a much friendlier place if you do. I hope it is not too late for me.

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